February 19 - Driving in cars with boys, now we know.

I don’t know when you cross the line from wanting to better yourself and evolve into the best version of yourself and the person you want to be, to wanting to be another person altogether and hating who you are. Maybe I’m always straddling that line. I think that’s fairly normal, to always see someone else and immediately think, “I want to be like her.” When does that become unhealthy? Is it self-improvement, taking inspiration to find the person you really want to be? Or is it changing yourself to try to achieve an ideal?

Last year, I lost a lot of weight cause I thought it would make me happy. I always had, in my mind, this list of things. If my skin was clear, and my hair was nice, and I was thin, and had money, and my teeth got fixed, and I dressed well, I would be happy. Those things were holding me back from happiness. But one by one I crossed those things off the list and I still wasn’t happy. Once I lost weight, I began obsessively worrying about regaining the weight, or missing gym days or eating an unhealthy snack. I was more unhealthy mentally than I had ever been before concearning my weight. Now I hardly think of it. I’m not as happy with my weight, but it’s not on my mind anymore.

I mean, is it really normal to always want to be someone else? To morph yourself into a better you, to become more like them and less like yourself? Doesn’t everbody wish they were sexier, bolder, braver, more glamorous? I think everybody does.