Malice in Wonderland.

I want the deepest, darkest, sickest parts of you that you are afraid to share with anyone because I love you that much. And now I'm showing you mine. I'm but an average, untalented girl living in suburbia attempting self-discovery. I am ordinary. I live an easy life and yet I'm still unhappy; I'm hoping keeping track of my thoughts will make this easier to understand. I care little for other people's emotions. I lie to others to make my own life easier, but not ever to ease their suffering. I will not lie to you. My thoughts are my own, not easy words fed to me by my parents or my government. I am part of no church, and I believe in no god. The only thing I need to be saved from is my own mental unrest. I ate his heart then I swallowed his brain. If you don't love me back, I'll do it again.

Posted on 27th January 2012

January 27 - “How am I sentient, then?” “Because I dreamed it so.”

I spend a lot of time wishing that my life could have turned drastically at the tender age of 16 and my parents could have moved me to a shitty small town where I could have grown up dirty, poor, and ugly on the wrong side of paradise. It’s an odd thing to wish. I mean. Not odd. Just stupid, really. I guess I just always wanted to be trashy, innocent, and beautiful the way those stupid American Apparel models looked in their soaked through cropped tank tops. Like they’d acquired their tan lines drinking Mike’s Hard Lemonade lakeside with the senior boys. I don’t fucking know. Stupid shit like that just appeals to me, I guess.

I don’t know. That entire stupid fake hollywood-produced idea of small towns filled with pretty, petty people doing stupid shit looking for a good time is what I picture teenage life is supposed to be like. But it’s not for me, cause I don’t leave the fucking house, and that’s my choice because every time I do I either have a panic attack or I remember how much I hate everyone. But sometimes it feels like I missed out on getting to be stupid and do stupid things. And I don’t mean stupid in the way that I’m stupid, as in thinking I’m wise. I mean stupid as in taking myself too seriously and not thinking ahead and actually trusting people for once.

Tonight my sister came over with her boyfriend because my mom’s out of town and they hate being at my dad’s house. They were quiet for a while and I automatically assumed they were fucking on the brand new damn couch, which would have pissed me right the fuck off. Of course they weren’t, because that would have been rude, disgusting, and any number of other things, but I couldn’t just trust that they would have the decency not to spill hot sperm soup all over my clean sofa, could I? I had to assume the worst. I can’t even trust that my dad wouldn’t look through my texts when I accidentally left my phone in his car this afternoon, despite the fact that he doesn’t know how to work a fuckin remote. I don’t let myself trust my friends or my family or my damn therapist with something as simple as what dose of medication I’m on. It’s just fucking stupid.

I matured faster in some ways and slower in others. I didn’t figure out how to use a straightener till eighth grade but I had self-respect while girls in my grade were still figuring out how to spell the word “cunt.” I figured out how to give advise but not to be normal. I’ve been in therapy since I was 13, though, so it comes with the territory I guess.