Malice in Wonderland.

I want the deepest, darkest, sickest parts of you that you are afraid to share with anyone because I love you that much. And now I'm showing you mine. I'm but an average, untalented girl living in suburbia attempting self-discovery. I am ordinary. I live an easy life and yet I'm still unhappy; I'm hoping keeping track of my thoughts will make this easier to understand. I care little for other people's emotions. I lie to others to make my own life easier, but not ever to ease their suffering. I will not lie to you. My thoughts are my own, not easy words fed to me by my parents or my government. I am part of no church, and I believe in no god. The only thing I need to be saved from is my own mental unrest. I ate his heart then I swallowed his brain. If you don't love me back, I'll do it again.

Posted on 5th January 2012
Tags: depression,

January 5 - We bleed.

My medication isn’t working anymore. I’m back at that point that I always, always come back to. I’m just fucking sick of everything. I’m sick of people’s expectations, and of always being so fucking confused, having no fucking clue, being alone, being unwanted, being unlovable, being chastised for being too loud and too honest and too fucking real and just sick and tired of living. I’m tired of taking medications that work for a month and give me this sick sense of false hope that I can get better, and then they fade off and I realize the truth again. This is who I am. And this is who I’m always going to be. I can try to drown it in hollow, expensive professional advise or booze or poorly made clothes or feigned positivity but I am not going to get better, and I know that. I have always known that. Because I’m not ever going to not be this person. But I never wanted to admit to that. Why would I? Why would I want to come to terms with the fact that I’m always going to be a stupid, forgettable little girl who’s never wanted around? Who might be pretty, but the second she opens her mouth everyone goes running. Who can’t get a fucking date, who’s a teenage girl with great tits and still can’t get laid cause people just don’t fucking want her. Who’s afraid of everything, and would rather spend 80 years stuck inside a single room than risk the chance of failing, or looking stupid, or embarrassing herself, or being rejected, or getting hurt, or breaking a fucking nail. Who’s just fucking afraid all the time. It’s no wonder I can’t keep people around, I’m drowning in self-pity and lies and false hopes and fear and self-loathing. I’m just so fucking tired of living.