Malice in Wonderland.

I want the deepest, darkest, sickest parts of you that you are afraid to share with anyone because I love you that much. And now I'm showing you mine. I'm but an average, untalented girl living in suburbia attempting self-discovery. I am ordinary. I live an easy life and yet I'm still unhappy; I'm hoping keeping track of my thoughts will make this easier to understand. I care little for other people's emotions. I lie to others to make my own life easier, but not ever to ease their suffering. I will not lie to you. My thoughts are my own, not easy words fed to me by my parents or my government. I am part of no church, and I believe in no god. The only thing I need to be saved from is my own mental unrest. I ate his heart then I swallowed his brain. If you don't love me back, I'll do it again.

Posted on 24th November 2011

November 23 - Fight fire with water.

Losing friends is something very painful for me. Unfortunately, it happens often. I don’t know why. Sometimes I get bitter and think that it’s because I’m on a different emotionally plane than most and can avoid being petty when they cannot, but like I said, that’s the bitterness talking. Sometimes I get self-conscious and think that I’ve done something wrong. But I know that being myself is not a crime.

Sometimes people clash. You get in arguments and hold your ground and sometimes, they hold theirs too and you can’t find a middle ground. I try to apologize when I’m wrong, these days. I think it’s very important to remove all the venom from my life that I can. Even though I am owed an apology, if they thought what they’d done was wrong in the first place, I wouldn’t have to ask for one. I don’t want false empathy to keep the peace. Sometimes you just butt heads and there’s nothing that can be done. It shouldn’t consume a relationship, but it can. It’s unavoidable sometimes.

Sometimes (always) people change. They go from being sweet but stubborn to being selfish. There’s a line between putting yourself as your first priority and putting yourself as your only priority, and it’s an easy one to distinguish. Burning bridges will get you nowhere, and I’m glad I know that, at least. But I can only control myself. Fights are useless. The only thing you can do sometimes is to look back on the good times fondly and move towards the new ones, with new people.

And sometimes you just grow apart. People’s interests change and suddenly you don’t have anything to talk about anymore. Sometimes you grow up, and they don’t, and sometimes it’s the other way around. No two people see through the same eyes, and sometimes the view becomes too different to ignore. It’s life. Your mistakes catch up to you and the grime starts to cover up the brightness of your good memories. Hindsight is 20/20.

Hate breeds hate. Fighting fire with fire sets everything ablaze and leaves nothing in its wake. Anger and bitterness will destroy you if you let them, so the only solution is to love. To have open arms and embrace change, embrace difference, embrace newness and clean slates. Grieve in private and then move on. Breathe out the bad as you breathe in the good.

If I lose any more friends, I may as well be alone. But things change. Sometimes for the better.