November 6 - Let’s get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance.

Four things.

One. I’ve started a new medication. I’m on a very low dose, but it seems to be helping. I’ve had no negative side effects so far. I hope it doesn’t fade out, as can happen with antidepressants. I am also quite proud of the fact that I’m now on only one medication, whereas two weeks ago I was on four. I’m now sleeping on my own, as well, no more sleep aids. That in itself is such an accomplishment to me. I’m also quite happy that now I can soundly say that no, I’ve never been addicted to sleeping pills, as I stopped taking them cold-turkey and am having no trouble sleeping at all. So suck the fuck on that, naysayers.

Dos. I’ve begun seeing a new therapist. I had a raging cold the first time I saw him and was in no good humor, but I like him. His approach is very different. My old therapists’ methods dictated that if you had a problematic situation, actively fix it. My new therapist’s method is that if you have a problematic situation, change the way you think about it. For example, I have horrible social anxiety. Let’s say there was a party I wanted to go to but was extremely nervous and unsure. My old therapists would have said, “Ignore your anxiety and go to the damn party.” If you have anxiety, you know that’s not how it works. Forcing yourself into situations that trigger your anxiety does not make it go away. My new therapist would say, “Examine why you’re nervous, and change your mental outlook.” I think it’s a rather sound approach.

Trois. I’ve given up on the college idea. Not in a bad way, in a good way. I’ve really always felt that the typical four year university route simply wasn’t for me, like it wasn’t the path I was supposed to be on, or wanted to be on. A week ago I decided I would instead go to beauty school and become a freelance makeup artist. It was like something clicked. All the stress about my future just kind of went away. It felt like, That. That’s it. This is right. It’s so relieving. I’m good at this, and I want this. I’m willing to work for it, and that’s more than I can say for any other future I’ve considered for myself. Imagining getting a shitty job to pay for college I thought, That’s so not worth it. Imagining getting a shitty job to pay for beauty school and my first kit, I can see that. I can do that (and probably will).

Vier. I don’t believe happiness is a choice. I don’t believe you can wake up every morning and say, “I’m happy!” and truly be happy. I think if you do that, you’re just lying to yourself. You’re probably ignoring the bad and inflating the good and that’s dishonest, and those emotions aren’t real if you have to summon them. But I do think you can make a conscious effort to try to be happy, which is what I’m doing. If there’s one thing you learn in group therapy, it’s that you can’t be helped unless you want to be. You can’t get better unless you want to get better. You can send an alcoholic to rehab, but if they don’t want to not be an alcoholic anymore, they’re going straight back to the bottom of a bottle once they’re released. It takes effort, physical and mental, to get better.

So I’m trying not to be such a perfectionist. I was recently told, “A perfectionist only looks at the big picture, not all the steps to get to there. They look at college and say, ‘All these loans, all this work, it’s not worth the effort just to get this piece of paper they call a degree.’ A normal person finishes one application essay and says, ‘My whole week is made.’ A normal person sees all the steps and appreciates them, but a perfectionist only cares about the end result.” There couldn’t have been a more accurate description of myself. I only look at the big picture, and at that the big big picture, on a universal scale. I find meaning in almost nothing. So I’m trying to think less and make the conscious effort to see the steps. I let myself get excited over little things now, like my room looking nice in the morning, or the perfect cup of coffee, or a new magazine arriving in the mail. I don’t let myself say my whole day is ruined because of a text message or the hot water running out or the freezer refusing to shut. I’m trying.

I’ve been tired of trying for a long time now. It’s hard to try. Life is often a big boring mess. That’s why they say the little things are the most important, because those are the infrequent times when life isn’t a big boring mess. Trying requires so much, and it’s hard. I still want to give up sometimes. I still do give up sometimes. But the past two weeks of my life have been strange, surreal, excruciating, and both confining and liberating. I began to try again because I simply had no other choice, but that’s kind of what my whole life is now. There’s no other choice but than to try.