March 2012
0 posts
ribcagerebel asked: actually, you don't even really need to forgive someone even if the person gets better. it's your feelings and the damage is done. you are entitled to ouch. but it sucks hating someone all the time isn't it? and blaming them for your bad parts even if it's true? i try to tell myself that i'm in control of my better parts. these bad people do not prevent me from being good....
ribcagerebel asked: that way i can focus on what i can and will do rather than dwelling on what was done to me. of course, perhaps that's not really forgiveness as much as it is self-care. but true enough, to pretend you can avoid the bad feelings for ever and they won't sneak up on you is naive. in which case i comfort myself that i hate the person's guts, but i absolve myself of responsibility over...
ribcagerebel asked: The way I go about forgiving people is reminding myself that even the shittiest people have felt pain and wanted love and thus deserve my respect. That allows me to still see them as human and also that their flaws are probably also as human as my flaws--born of ignorance, indulgence or social control. Humans can get better even if it won't be me that makes them better. And thus more...
February 2012
14 posts
sprinkledwords replied to your post: To add to this unbelievably shitty night, I have…
But stretch marks fade and everyone gets them and no one really minds. Promise.
I just used to have the nicest legs ever from working out all the time and I never do anymore and I’ve gained heaps of weight and this is just confirmation of all my lost motivation :( I’m ill and emotional fuuuuu
To add to this unbelievably shitty night, I have fresh stretch marks. Fucking kill me. I hate myself so hard right now.
pallasites replied to your post: I don’t know how to forgive. I just don’t really…
Forgiveness does not have to mean to accept their wrong doings, but to let them go and allow them to not hurt you in the way they have. Think of how you would like to be acknowledged after you have done something wrong. Do you deserve forgiveness?
I kind of get that. Sorry if I use your reply as like a...
Kay I’ve had a lot of Nyquil and I still feel really poopie so I’m going to bed now. Goodnight y’all, I’m bitter as all getout
In my mind, the only way I can really seem to explain forgiveness is
forgetting whatever bad was done in the first place and replacing the memory with good
rationally explaining why this bad was done, justifying it in a way and forgiving once you’ve figured out the reason (if you can)
um
that’s it I guess
Maybe I can’t forgive people because I’m not ready, but...
gossamergrins replied to your post: I don’t know how to forgive. I just don’t really…
I’m bad at it too, but think of it like this forgiveness is not for the person who’s done wrong. It’s not to justify them or to please them. it’s for you. It is the ability to let go of poisonous thoughts and instead embrace positive ones.
I’ve been told that before, and I agree with it. You should...
I don’t know how to forgive. I just don’t really understand how it’s done. I’ve come to that realization lately. If someone could help me out, that’d be much appreciated.
February 19 - Driving in cars with boys, now we...
I don’t know when you cross the line from wanting to better yourself and evolve into the best version of yourself and the person you want to be, to wanting to be another person altogether and hating who you are. Maybe I’m always straddling that line. I think that’s fairly normal, to always see someone else and immediately think, “I want to be like her.” When does that...
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February 15 - You were writhing on the floor like...
No one ever told me I could have orgasms.
As most of you know, sex ed is pretty useless. Half the country doesn’t even have sex ed, it has abstinence only sex ed, which is not education about sex, it is lying to children to scare and coerce them not to have sex. Those of us who do receive this almighty “education” know that the ever-famous Mean Girls gym-room sex ed scene...
February 8 - God hates fangs.
This time a year ago, I got a gym membership and started tracking my calories. I worked out for 90 minutes at the gym every other day, did strength training and yoga every night before I went to bed, and didn’t eat more than 1400 calories a day. By summer I felt hot in a bikini and had shrunk a dress size or two. It was awesome.
Hi. That shit doesn’t last.
I’m back at the...
January 2012
13 posts
January 27 - I hate Facebook.
That is not a clever title, but I really do hate it just too much to bear sometimes. It makes me so angry. I see things that make me so unhappy and I speak up and we argue and that’s fine.
What makes me angry is that these people make me feel like I’m overreacting and like I need to explain myself. Like I need to say, “I’m sorry, this is just a touchy subject for me”...
January 27 - "How am I sentient, then?" "Because I...
I spend a lot of time wishing that my life could have turned drastically at the tender age of 16 and my parents could have moved me to a shitty small town where I could have grown up dirty, poor, and ugly on the wrong side of paradise. It’s an odd thing to wish. I mean. Not odd. Just stupid, really. I guess I just always wanted to be trashy, innocent, and beautiful the way those stupid...
6 tags
January 24 - Sort of like a priest. Ish.
A lot of times it’s difficult for me to accept truths that most people live with their whole lives. That life is beautiful, that it’s possible to work for what you want and actually get it, that you will be okay. I used to think I was afraid I’d never fall in love. But I recently realized I was actually afraid no one would ever fall in love with me. Which is a whole different...
January 24 - Monarchy; bureaucracy; delinquency;...
I’m a very firm believer that your gut instinct is never wrong.
I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m good at reading people. I’m very analytical, I can easily judge the reasons behind someone’s behavior or trace psychological patterns. I guess you could say it’s easy for me to pick apart someone’s brain. That’s a skill that comes in handy. It allows you...
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January 18 - I am timid. I am a lioness, I am...
Let’s clear some shit up, cause this has been on my mind for the past couple days.
You cannot decide to be happy. People who think you can infuriate me. You can make the conscious decision to try. You can decide to wake up every morning and have a positive day and look at things in a positive light and try to be happy, and it will have the biggest, most profound affect on your life. But you...
p-a-c-i-f-i-c-a asked: Hi! I've been reading through your posts and I just want to tell you that you are so well spoken and I love reading everything you post. Are you/have you ever considered being a writer? you could win a debate against anyone any day! just wanted to let you know:)
pallasites asked: I understand depression. It definitely is no teenage phase. It's not all that bad actually, because I remember after a period of depression (before I started smoking weed regularly, now I never seem to get depressed), I would feel so brilliant, creative and inquisitive. Nothing like how I normally am before/during times of depression. It's morbid I guess, but I enjoyed the rush of life...
actuallyharmless asked: Between the ages of 13 and 17 I had a similar mindset to yours. I know that in all likelihood this snippet of text will not change your mind and your outlook, that is how stubborn adolescent minds work. But life does get better. Your body will figure out the complex hormonal balance that keeps your emotions in check. You'll meet people you like that like you. Life is exciting, but it comes in...
6 tags
I just want to chop my tits off.
I want to be able to wear cute clothes, and actually have stuff fit correctly, and be able to wear low cut tops without looking like I’m trying to be sexy, and I want my tits to not be the only thing people notice about me because they’re so obnoxious, and I want to be able to go braless.
Nothing fits me correctly, anything low-cut makes me look like...
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January 5 - We bleed.
My medication isn’t working anymore. I’m back at that point that I always, always come back to. I’m just fucking sick of everything. I’m sick of people’s expectations, and of always being so fucking confused, having no fucking clue, being alone, being unwanted, being unlovable, being chastised for being too loud and too honest and too fucking real and just sick and...
December 2011
10 posts
December 29th - Bird song.
The feeling I get when I’ve finished a book is the saddest feeling in the world, as if I’ve lost a friend. I can’t cry, I only sit there feeling all wrong for a while before deciding to carry on. But I can’t, really. It feels a bit like I might never see things the way I’m supposed to again. It’s that deep, creeping kind of sadness that you feel when...
December 28 - The boy who drank stars.
I kind of feel like I’m at the point in my life where everything’s going to be boring from here on out. Not in a bad way. Like if my life was a novel, even though everyone was clamoring for a sequel my author would refuse because my story was just done and there was no more to be told. I always hear authors say that, that when a story is finished, it’s just finished. That if they...
pallasites asked: Oh and calling 'bullshit' on the notion that men are victimised just the same as women. Only a woman knows how much harder it is to just be a woman in society. Yes men are also victimised, but no where near as much as women are, on a DAILY basis.
pallasites asked: Clearly anonymous is making invalid/untrue points and it seems to me that they're just afraid of your conviction and maybe can't even comprehend the issues of the still strongly prevalent sexism. Keep believing in yourself and learning more everyday. I'd also like to see you write more... I know how much it helped/helps me express myself, even if it is to myself.
Anonymous asked: "My thoughts are my own, not easy words fed to me by my parents or my government". Sure doesn't sound like it, you sound just as heavily conditioned as anyone else, your knee jerk reactions and opinions sound just as mechanical as the next meatbag walking down the street. Your blog isn't going to give you any clarity nor are reactions from others... are they going to help you?...
Anonymous asked: Men have just as much right to make a stupid website about how they feel victimized as dumb cunts like you have to make stupid blog posts about how you feel "victimized" by these horrible men expressing their opinion on the internet. You're just make castles in the sand you dumb motherfucker!
Anonymous asked: Both men AND women act like victims. Try to mention both sides next time, stupid twit.
rezouli asked: Oh, and apologies for spamming you. You seem the type to not hold a restrained opinion and that's exactly what I want and like. So carry on, soldier, for tomorrow is indeed an inevitable day regardless of smile or frown, death or life, love or loss.
pallasites asked: I'm glad I came across your blog. You're paralleling a lot of what I've gone through/still go through since I was 16. Where do you live? I'm trying not to sound creepy. I wish I had the courage (even before myself) to write as freely as you. Anyway, just know an intelligent woman like yourself will prevail and you'll learn to be deal with your mind. You are raging with...
2 tags
“When a guy refers to a girl as intimidating, what he really means is that he...”
– CokeTalk
November 2011
14 posts
November 27 - Pikul; Carnavas; Swoon.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone’s ever looked at a picture of me and said, “I wish I looked like her.” I always find myself wishing I looked like this girl in this picture or that model. I wonder if anyone’s ever felt like that about me.
We always want what we can’t have just because we can’t have it. Anything offered to us or anything that comes naturally is fine...
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Novermber 27 - Nocturne.
I just saw another one of those posts saying, “What if reality is a dream and dreams are reality and when you die you wake up”
I certainly hope not because last night I dreampt I was cutting a severed arm into tiny pieces, and was cutting off the fingers to use in a salad I planned to eat. I chewed on one of the fingers for a second and decided I didn’t like the texture of this...
November 23 - Fight fire with water.
Losing friends is something very painful for me. Unfortunately, it happens often. I don’t know why. Sometimes I get bitter and think that it’s because I’m on a different emotionally plane than most and can avoid being petty when they cannot, but like I said, that’s the bitterness talking. Sometimes I get self-conscious and think that I’ve done something wrong. But I...
Anonymous asked: What pills do you take?
feministbecky asked: You are adorable. (I don't know if that makes you uncomfortable or not...) And no, I am not saying that in a horrid, demeaning, "well aren't you just so cute and angry" kind of way. I mean it in a FUCK YEAH YOU ARE 17 AND ANGRY, kind of way. (I have hangups about being called cute as I am little and a chick) I am overjoyed that you are so young and a raging feminist!! Please,...
5 tags
November 22 - The ninth circle of hell is the...
I have been called an extremist before. Which usually serves as a laugh, because obviously someone who calls a seventeen year old blogger an extremist has no concept of suicide bombings, occults, or genocide. But truthfully, there are times when I feel like devising a plot to kill off the entirety of the human race. This is one of them.
Welcome to The Nice Guy. An actual website about the fact...
November 19 - The flower garden.
There are some things that only work when you have people trying on both ends. Such as marriages, or job interviews, or construction work, or hostage nagotiation. But in this case I mean friendship.
I’ve spent too long being the only one who cares enough to try, so I have to let people go sometimes.
It just leaves me wondering, what about me makes people run away so quickly?
“It might happen in South Africa, Saudi Arabia, Norway, Mexico, Tibet or Iran....”
– Stieg Larsson (via maladiedunfou)
November 13 - I was dead when I woke up this...
I just unfollowed 400 people on my main Tumblr. First getting rid of anyone who hasn’t updated recently, then getting rid of fandom tumblrs, then any tumblr that blogs about wishing to be thinner, then any blog about teenage angst.
I’m trying to get as much negative energy out of my life as possible. I hate tumblr these days, and I’ve realized that so much of it is contributing...
November 12 - Fishtails above the waves; napping...
Fall is the new year of fashion. Every autumn I seem to form a new identity. For years I tried to venture farther and farther into what I wanted to wear rather than what was expected. I bought my first pair of high-waisted shorts last August and the trek was complete. I wore thigh-highs in public and lacy black bras under cut-out tees and purple lipstick, simply because I cared neither for the...
November 7 - Blue lips, blue veins. (Written...
I used to do this thing when I was younger, where every time someone would compliment me, I would counter it with some statement that opposed what they’d just said. If someone told me they loved my hair, I’d immediately say something like, “It’s so flat and dull.” If someone said they thought I looked so skinny that day, I’d tell them, “Are you kidding? I look like a cow.”
My family always used...
6 tags
November 6 - Let's get rich and give everybody...
Four things.
One. I’ve started a new medication. I’m on a very low dose, but it seems to be helping. I’ve had no negative side effects so far. I hope it doesn’t fade out, as can happen with antidepressants. I am also quite proud of the fact that I’m now on only one medication, whereas two weeks ago I was on four. I’m now sleeping on my own, as well, no more...