Gaga is the only person in the world I can count on. There’s at least one person in the world who loves me and accepts me for who I am, and is proud of me.
I’ll be deleting this blog shortly. I’m tired of feeling like I’m shouting into a crowded room and no one wants to hear what I have to say.
I’m so tired of being repeatedly shown that I am not a priority, I am not important, I am not deserving, I am not welcome. Why the fuck am I still living for people who only give a shit about me when I’m three pills away from kicking the bucket. Why am I still here when I know that nothing I want is ever going to be accomplished. I’m never going to become anyone, anything, other than a failure. And I know that. I’m so tired of breathing. I’m tired of stopping myself from doing the only thing I’ve wanted to do for the past five years because “I could never do that to my family.” They’re only willing to support me when they’re afraid I’m about to go over the edge. That’s it. They can’t even do me tiny favors, can’t even take five minutes out of the day to have a conversation with me, or discuss with me the future I’m not going to have. I’m just a nuisance.
I’m so tired of doing this. I’m just done.
actually, you don't even really need to forgive someone even if the person gets better. it's your feelings and the damage is done. you are entitled to ouch. but it sucks hating someone all the time isn't it? and blaming them for your bad parts even if it's true? i try to tell myself that i'm in control of my better parts. these bad people do not prevent me from being good. i am above their abuse.This was really wise advise, and it helped me immensely. Thank you for sending it xx
that way i can focus on what i can and will do rather than dwelling on what was done to me. of course, perhaps that's not really forgiveness as much as it is self-care. but true enough, to pretend you can avoid the bad feelings for ever and they won't sneak up on you is naive. in which case i comfort myself that i hate the person's guts, but i absolve myself of responsibility over their person. and thus i don't need to hate them.
The way I go about forgiving people is reminding myself that even the shittiest people have felt pain and wanted love and thus deserve my respect. That allows me to still see them as human and also that their flaws are probably also as human as my flaws--born of ignorance, indulgence or social control. Humans can get better even if it won't be me that makes them better. And thus more importantly to forgive myself when i must not actively hate but at least avoid people i can't forgive.sprinkledwords replied to your post: To add to this unbelievably shitty night, I have…
But stretch marks fade and everyone gets them and no one really minds. Promise.
I just used to have the nicest legs ever from working out all the time and I never do anymore and I’ve gained heaps of weight and this is just confirmation of all my lost motivation :( I’m ill and emotional fuuuuu
